Hi guys, it’s been a while.
I’ve come back! Maybe for good, who knows. I have a very spontaneous personality where I’ll feel inspired once in a while to do a project and leave it for a long time. I’m trying to change that though. Anyway, now that I am here… Let’s have a think-piece!
Over the past 3 years, my entire Uni experience really, I’ve come across a lot of temporary people. I’ve struggled with my mental health due to a lot of personal things that have happened during this time and finally plucking up the courage to go to see a counsellor at my Uni in February, and I felt like I was reborn. Literally.
After my 21st birthday, I realised that I needed to handle things very differently, and with my counselling from the lovely Tanya she reassured me that setting boundaries with people is completely healthy and should be required. So, here I am to tell you how boundaries is a way of dealing with closure; and how your mental closure is a way for you to move on in your life without having an uncomfortable altercation with the person you want closure with.
In 2017, I had very naively thought I really liked someone. I realised that I only liked them because I needed someone/thing tangible to hold on to to feel secure in myself, as I had been sexually abused in Summer 2016. Anyway, he had explained that he was starting a relationship with someone else and at the time I could not accept that. I had been confused, angry, upset, full of self-doubt and doing things that I would regret later on. The whole of 2017 was me self-destructing a lot of relationships because I was insecure that my partners (who weren’t my official partners) would leave. I still kept thinking… Why did he do this to me? Why won’t he explain to me why he chose her, and not me? I need closure.
It wasn’t until a whole year later I had realised I could not live like this. I wasn’t still feeling the first initial guy, I had my closure mentally and told myself that it wasn’t me, the other partner clearly was more suited as me and him had nothing in common. At all. With other partners, I remembered that people are lessons and they are temporary. The lessons I learnt with them all is what I don’t want in people that I surround myself with, those who don’t support or appreciate me are not welcomed as they don’t bring anything positive in my life. I repeated that to myself a lot, every day, until the point where they no longer existed in my life.
The way I’ve learnt to deal with closure from people who mistreat me is Mental Closure. Mental closure means closure that you fabricate yourself. By this I mean you create a scenario, where you have a conversation with this said person and you say everything you want to say when you are filled with emotions and rather than exploding on them, you say what needs to be said in existence so that the thoughts are no longer in your head. I cry when I do this, but it’s healthy. You let out the emotions in your private space, meaning you don’t have to show your vulnerability to the toxic people who quite clearly may not even care or understand how they’ve mistreated you, saving you from feeling embarrassed and angry afterwards.
I feel that after I have ‘mental closure’ with said toxic people, I begin to feel like a weight is off my shoulders. They no longer have a hold or control over me, and I don’t need to feel frustrated with them not understanding your feelings or making them feel invalid, whats most important is how YOU feel, how YOU can more forward and continue growing yourself. You’ll find that, after doing this the person no longer has a hold on you and they can no longer make you feel bad about yourself. It is the ultimate self-love to cut dead ends that don’t allow you to grow. The same way you get a haircut, you need to cut dead ends to let your hair grow.
With that being said, mental closure is a way of setting boundaries with people. Setting boundaries with people allows you to choose who gets to see what you want them to see, and who is able to share your energy. This new boundary now means that they are no longer allowed to interact in your life by giving you negative energy that makes you feel emotionally exhausted all the time. It is a new form of energy that will allow you to grow and is an essential form of self-love as you are able to feel comfortable with who you share your life with.
Remember to always love yourself and put yourself first. Let me know what you think in the comments about this method of self-love.